its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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