she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
