dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
