All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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