Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
