The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
