take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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