Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
