i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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