Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
