Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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