i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
