For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I take back everything I said about communal showers
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
