I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
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