I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
