I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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