omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
