i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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