peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
