I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
