this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
