I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
