all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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