you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
