wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
