Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
