In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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