I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
