Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
