you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
