These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
