I wish I could teleport
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
