Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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