I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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