she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
