You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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