You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
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she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
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I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina