I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
