Swine flu. Run for my life!
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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