we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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