you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
