I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
