A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
