T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
