i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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