I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
