If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
