he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize