It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
