i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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