Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
