The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
