party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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