i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
