You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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