I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
