Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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