I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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