I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
