K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
