he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
