I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
